The birds and the bees

I knew it was coming someday.

We took a tour of Tennessee’s Neyland Stadium last night. Part of the tour included the men’s locker room. Being the nosey person I am, I wanted to see the orange and white bathroom. 

There for the first time, Caroline caught a.glimpse of a urinal.

“Mommy, what is that?!”

Me: “It’s a urinal. Boys go pee in them”

Caroline, squinched her face – you could see her trying to figure it out. “But…how does that work?”

So, there in the men’s locker room in the football stadium, I explained basic male anatomy to my 4 year old daughter.

All went well, I thought, mentally patting myself on the back. Not bad. Dodged the bullet.

Then this morning, BEFORE COFFEE….

Caroline came armed with 12 hours of hard thinking. 

“So Mommy. How do boys go pee in those things? Why do they do that? How come boys bathrooms smell different than girls bathrooms? Why did Jesus make boys different than girls? Why are we different? What do those things on boys do anyway?!!”

Gahhhh. I told her to let me drink my coffee and to go pick up her room and get dressed. (Stalling tactics) I realized then that if I didn’t explain things to her she was going to ask me loudly in public in front of strangers one day.

 I guzzled a cup of strong black coffee, wishing it was something stronger for this conversation. 

(I used to teach a farm animal anatomy college class, which included a section on reproductive anatomy and physiology. I can do this right? Sheesh. Help! Why are my palms sweaty?! I wasn’t expecting this talk for at least 5 more years. And WHY DIDN’T SHE JUST ASK HER DADDY??!)

Don’t judge. I’m making up this parenting thing as I go.

So I pulled up some diagrams on my phone call and sat down with my overly inquisitive kid and explained all the basic external parts and their functions to her. 

Caroline”How do the babies come out? What about c-sections, where do they cut to get the baby out? What are those round things on the boys? What do THEY do? So, do you HAVE to be married to do THAT? Have you SEEN that before Mama?!”

My original plan was to just discuss the basics but after her barrage of questions we went through the whole thing, from terminology, spermatogenesis and ovulation to how babies are born and why boys bathrooms smell different than girls and why they have urinals.

It was traumatic for me…but she didn’t seem phased at ALL. I asked her if she had anymore questions. She grinned “Nope. I’m going to go color”.

So if your kid plays with mine BE WARNED – she has been informed of the birds and the bees. 

Who knows what she will ask me tomorrow.